I hate being…. lonely.
Being alone does not necessarily mean that I am experiencing the feeling of loneliness. I don't mind solitude. What I mind is the feeling of loneliness. That feeling of not having anyone that can comprehend what I am going through. The feeling of not being able to SHARE what I am experiencing. The feeling that even though my loved ones love me unconditionally, they do not and can not comprehend what I am experiencing.
That's when I feel lonely.
That's usually the time when God will send something my way to let me know that I am not in this on my own. Most recently, I have gluten issues and a friend just shared the scripture, Matthew 4:4 "...Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone,..." that made me cry. I was so happy to receive that nugget of love from God - through the email of a friend.
Sometimes, the feeling of loneliness goes deeper than just dietary. It goes deep into my memory banks - repressed memories that must stay wherever they are so that I can function in this life. There are times when the feeling of loneliness is spiritual... I no longer believe in the everlasting need for organized religion, sometimes following the path that I believe to be the true way to God is a solitary one. At the very least, not heavily populated.
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| Lace-filtered light. |
Ahhh... but being alone, now that is something that we can all use from time-to-time. Alone time to unwind, decompress, read, create, love, cuddle, bask in the warmth of someone or of sunshine. Watching the light filter through the lace curtain of my studio... Listening to the memory invoking sound of the mourning dove... Letting the warmth of freshly made peanut butter fudge melt in my mouth... All soul-filling times of solitude that I savor and hold deep in my inner-most self.
Thank you so much for writing about this topic. It is something that I struggle with as well. Even though I'm an introvert and need that quiet time to recharge and effectively function, there are moments that are not simply moments of being alone. It's a very different feeling which you've expressed so well in your post. I appreciate knowing there are others who feel like this...it makes me know I'm not alone. :)
ReplyDeleteNope, you are not alone! Thank you for reading, I'm glad it meant something to someone other than myself. :)
ReplyDeleteI also struggle with this from time to time myself. I have bad memories from my childhood that I repress and also know that I need to do that to function. Most of it I've dealt with through therapy, but it doesn't completely take it away. Hugs to you. You are not alone :)
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